You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.