Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …