*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
he looks great for his age
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY