Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.