“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You Might Also Like
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT