You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.