We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
the saddest jazz hands ever
guilty
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.