Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Swedish for common sense.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*