The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
sliding into dms like
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.