6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
You Might Also Like
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.