[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I can’t stop watching this.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
yeah no that’s fair
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
lmao
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sing it!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables