There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
constantly working on myself.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start