Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
this is what they would have looked like, though
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.