Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.