Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
oh my god
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.