Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started