Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.