“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Current mood: Potato
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it