If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
HOW DARE YOU
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”