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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Finally, an explanation.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*