[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Oh we’ve met.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
This will never not be funny 😭
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?