ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
No Google it does not
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.