Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
That was easy.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it