Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls