me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
BRAKING NEWS!!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do