Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.