My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
The news in a nutshell.