Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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so, is there a mister shapen head
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit