I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die