FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
You Might Also Like
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.