Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
(Item doesn鈥檛 scan)
Me: Does that mean it鈥檚 free?
Cashier: You鈥檙e literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Bike is short for Bichael.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I鈥檒l always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I鈥檒l be over there for you.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It鈥檚 an ancient Japanese proverb
Woke up against my better judgment again
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.