One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat