What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.