I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.