dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
the three branches of government
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut