Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The Friday File.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The Book. The Movie.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
two people or more is called a problem
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.