Lmao 馃ぃ
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I鈥檝e decided I鈥檓 not going to let my teen鈥檚 attitude get to me today, and so far I鈥檓 doing really well with it.
She鈥檚 not awake yet.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me鈥ell, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
a reese鈥檚 peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they鈥檙e only divisible by themselves.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I accidentally stepped on my cat鈥檚 tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.