The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
You Might Also Like
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Did…did a minotaur write this
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.