Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.