[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
🔦🌙👣
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.