I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
You are what you delete.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?