Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!