The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“A little help here, Danny?”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child