I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?