I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Not even remotely sorry.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Breaking news:
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline