My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast