‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.