You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
How all things should be taught/explained.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.