Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Canadian owl: Eh?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.