Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?